Stripped of it All

Sometimes when we pray hard prayers we can’t even begin to imagine what we will encounter if those prayers become a reality.

Almost a year ago to the day I flew to South Africa with 12 strangers to live there for 3 months. I was taught it was a privilege not a purchase. I learned what it looks like to serve and I prayed that I would be stripped of it all.

Matt 19:24 “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of A needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” During our training in South Africa, Hein, our community partner talked about this verse. He explained that we often view this verse as a parable but it's not just a parable. He explained about the doors in Jerusalem, at each gate has a smaller door within the larger door of the gate which is referred to as " the eye of the needle"

The small door is easier to open and close for everyday use and so night time travelers can get in and out while still protecting the city. A camel is almost 3 times the size of that small door so the verse in chapter 19 is not referring to an actual needle but in historical context is talking about the "needle door". Hein explained to us that even if a camel were to fit through the “eye of a needle” ( as travelers often did at night) it would need to stripped of it all. Every piece of luggage, every bag, and every blanket would need to be removed from the camel before it could even try to crawl through that small door. A lot of people focus on the part of the verse that talks about the rich man and the reason it’s so hard for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven is because he sees to much value in all he owns. He isn’t willing to be stripped of it all. I thought that was so powerful. I had never thought of it that way. So that became my prayer. Every single day of those 3 months. "Strip me of it all God."

You see, when I prayed that prayer I really meant it, but I didn’t know what it meant. I never could have imagined the agony that would ensue if I was truly stripped of it all. Not only stripped of any personal belongings but striped of the parts of my character that didn’t reflect Jesus. Stripped of happiness to find joy. Stripped of lust to find purity. Stripped of thoughts to find peace. Stripped of community so I could find Jesus. I was challenged, called out and corrected in so many ways over this past year, by strangers, new found family, friends and colleagues. I wrote a while back that my foundation was being shifted, torn apart and rearranged so that it could sustain any trial or hardship that was placed upon it, I called it “excavation builds character”. My foundation wasn’t only being shifted, I was being stripped of it all. The words that I prayed so many times- and almost tattooed on my arm- were words I prayed, but words I didn’t know I that could handle.

I’ve always had faith, fire and zeal for God but these past few months I took a step back, not really in faith, but in action. The past couple months after returning home from the Holy Land have been hell. The enemy preyed on me while I was weak, tearing apart my mind and bringing me to a place where I felt like I didn’t deserve to live a life bearing the image of God. I was in a place where I truly didn’t think I deserved any ounce of Christ. But he is faithful. I grasped on to all the remaining parts of who I was. The parts that made me feel like me, but I still didn’t feel like myself ( spoiler: I wasn't supposed to.) I was ashamed of who I’d become. I grieved all of the parts of me I lost and all the people I pushed away. God was wanting me to grow closer to him, wanting to ingrain on my heart “identity in Christ alone”. Except, there were things I didn’t want to give up. Things that weren’t inherently bad but weren’t inherently good either. My goodness collided with Gods holy goodness and then I grew angry and bitter at so many people around me because it didn't seem like anyone was there. Because it felt safe. Because I didn’t know what else to feel. And because I was being stripped of it all. I went to church for weeks hoping to find support, prayer, friendship and honestly, myself. Instead, I found out I was a stranger - to myself and everyone around me. But God knew I couldn’t be found in Christ alone until I was alone with Christ. I sat day after day with my Bible and my journal on my lap desiring to read the word and pray but I had no energy to read and I had no words to pray. As I waited in silence a still small voice would whisper “I’ll be here when you’re ready” and then I would pray “the joy of the Lord is my strength”. “The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.” “THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH.” And I found strength in another day. That’s who God is, always there waiting for you to return and rely on his strength.

My soul knew he would be faithful even if my brain couldn’t comprehend it. I forced myself to go to church every week desperately wanting to be filled up so that I can pour from my own cup again. After weeks and weeks He reminded me of the beauty of his restoration, and the last part of Roman’s 5:5 “hope does not put us to shame for the Holy Spirit that has been poured out on us.” I began to add “let there be more of you and less of me” to my prayer “Restore me unto your salvation”. Before we can be restored we have to be brought back to the bare bones, stripped of it all and surrendered to everything. And it’s that prayer “more of you and less of me God” that continuously strips us of who we are so we can become more like Christ. Strip me of it all God. I had to pray for my heart to be unburdened with anger, sadness and guilt ( Even though that seemingly made me more angry and sad because my anger now felt justified and I wasn’t ready to let go.) It had become the only part of me I knew. Strip me of it all God. God’s forgiveness is greater than anger, greater than depression and greater than all things but forgiveness requires surrender. So strip me of it all God. I found myself I stripped of it all again and again and again - raw, unsure and broken but it was so I can be fully reliant upon Him. Within His forgiveness - greater than all things - I found myself again. I found myself bearing the image of God. Reminding myself He remains in us because He faithfully created us. He faithfully and uniquely created us with talents and joy and laughter and beauty that weren’t meant to be stripped away because it’s those very things that glorify Him. So strip me of it all God but remind me of the grace you created me in so that there will be more of you and less of me.

This blog post is written on a side of joy for the one who has been faithful will be faithful and is faithful. Faithful even when we can’t see it and don’t want to believe it. And as cliché as it sounds I wouldn’t change this season for anything and I’d do it all over again because for my God I will go to the ends of the Earth forever and ever.

-Eer aān God, Aspen ♡