Hardship in the Holy Land

It took me three weeks to post this despite the fact that I wrote it a week after I came home early. I was actually sent home early. That’s why I’m home now. I had no say in the matter or played any part in the decision. I was heartbroken, disappointed and felt like a failure. I felt crazy for going to the Holy Land 5 weeks after returning home from Africa but was so sure that the prayers I prayed and the answers I received were clear. And now, I’m not so sure. I honestly wasn’t sure why I felt called there and am still questioning what the purpose was. If I was meant to go, why am I being sent home? Maybe there is no such thing as a calling. Maybe our desires align with Gods and as long as we are doing all things for his glory a call isn’t really a call and it doesn’t really make a difference. But then that makes me question God’s ability to answer prayers. And God’s ability to be in control. Weren’t we all called there? No matter everyone’s beliefs and no matter how everyone’s decision played out I truly believe our team was ment to be in the Holy Land at the same time. We were all called to be there and meant for our lives to cross paths. Its a strange concept and I’m not so sure everyone on my team believed that. And that’s okay, opinions can differ, beliefs can be different, and hearts can misalign, but if we are following Jesus we as people should all have the same mindset for service. It’s not about us.

I think that’s why I struggled so much as we got farther and farther into the trip. It seemed as though our team as a whole - myself especially - weren't there to serve - we were there to see. We got so caught up in what we could see and what we were hoping to receive we forgot why we were there. We forgot that we were also meant to pour into the people and the places around us, and show Jesus through our action and how we served. I saw it so much within myself and the team that we were there with an agenda. To see certain things and post certain pictures, but not meet certain people. And for all of us, none of it is what we expected. Our unsaid expectations turned into unmet expectation and unmet expectations often leads to disappointment. Is anything really ever what we expect? I'm not convinced anything is ever going to be what we expect. I never expected my heart to break more because of the team than the oppression. I never expected to learn about a political conflict that would reveal so much injustice in the world. I never expected to have to pray for me to love people. I never expected anything bad to happen. And I never expected to be sent home from the Holy Land because depression. We never expect bad things to happen to us until we do. And when we start it becomes a cycle of bad expectation. And then a cycle of hopelessness. And when we get to that place it’s hard to go back. It’s hard to hoist yourself up from the hole you just dug.

That’s the point I was at when I was sent home. I had a loss of hope and a constant peace to die. And despite those feelings, bad days and hard days I woke up every day grateful and desperately choosing to hold on to hope and joy.

It was actually kind of comical when Levi called to tell me I was being sent home. I thought he was just calling to check in. We had just talked a few days before and had a little heart to heart about my hardship in the Holy Land.

Kevin (the infamous Kevin) came to the kitchen and brought us sesame seed cookies and bananas before my call with Levi - Brittney decided we needed chocolate ( if you give a human a bad day and a banana they’ll also need some Nutella ;) so she left to go get some chocolate and Kevin turns to me and jokes

“oh wow that serious of a meeting huh?” to which I replied…

“oh yeah, they’re sending me home.” -As a complete and utter joke. Turns out, it wasn’t a joke. First thing Levi said when we got on the call was

“I thought about it and we think it would be best if you came home.” It’s comical to think about the situation now. And for a second I truly thought someone was playing a joke on me - I literally looked at the date, to make sure Brittney hadn’t planned some fake April fools day prank, since she kept forgetting that April Fools day isn’t the first of March lol. But it wasn’t a fake April fools day prank, it wasn’t a joke and there was nothing I could say or do that would make a difference. And I didn’t have anything to say except, “okay.” My brain was so confused and overwhelmed it shut down. My brain was silent for the first time in 7 months.

The truth is something deep inside me apparently knew I was being sent home. I had been feeling it for weeks, I was just dreading why.  Why is a question that can be asked for everything but also for nothing. It’s so simple. Why? It’s just one word.  How can one three letter word seem to hold so much weight when sometimes there is no answer? I’m reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “ It’s not supposed to be this way” and every single sentence I’ve read hits so close to home it’s mind blowing. She writes in a letter from a God perspective the answer to ‘why?’

"Dear daughter of Mine, when the world tries to beat that 'why' question out of you, offer it back to the heart of every wide-eyed inner child and whisper, 'Yes, yes, ask away. Because to kill that question is to kill the passion-filled purpose that will give you an answer. You‘ll never know why that person did what they did. Or why the seemingly perfect circumstances shifted and corrupted the way it did. Why the destruction and devastation marched into your life. No, you'll never know those answers. But trust Me-it wouldn't make anything better even if you did have those answers. It just wouldn't. I've not kept those answers from you as a cruel exercise of My power. I've kept those answers, because only I can bear the weight of them” she goes on to write “Perfection intimidates. Compassion inspires. And in that you will finally find the why. Why did this happen? Because there's someone else in the world who would drown in their own tears if not for seeing yours. And when you make one other human simply see they aren't alone, you make the world a better place.” Right before I opened that book today I was thinking how powerful our brokenness can be when we are vulnerable. I was thinking how it’s okay to be broken.

Every place we volunteered at, we picked up sticks.   

We went to a farm in Bethlehem - we cleared brush and picked up sticks.

We went to a history museum in Palestine- we hauled branches and picked up sticks.

We went to act at a first century village in Nazareth - we moved twigs and picked up sticks.

I thought it was so funny ( and quite possibly a little annoying at times) the amount of sticks we moved. I so desperately wanted my brain to come up with some amazing analogy that gave purpose to why we are hauling all these sticks. I couldn’t think of anything, except that I can now add “can efficiently move sticks” to my resume. One night when my body was exhausted, my heart was broken and brain was frustrated my dear friend Brittney said “maybe that’s the analogy we’ve been searching for with all the freaking sticks- you have to get rid of all the dead branches to create room for new life”

All the broken branches we’ve moved isn’t just to humble us - it’s to teach us about our broken pieces. You need to clear away all of the dead things so that you can make room to plant new life. Life, that - one day - will also have to be pruned and thorns will also have to be cleared away, for there to be growth and good fruit. For there to be growth there has to be death. Death means there is brokenness. But brokenness doesn’t mean we failed. Those broken and cut away branches will be used as firewood, or broken down even further into dirt - so even in the brokenness there is still purpose. It’s okay to be broken. We were literally created broken. If our hearts weren’t broken we wouldn’t know what it’s like to have hope. We wouldn’t know how to heal broken hearts. If our hearts weren’t broken we wouldn’t know how to love beyond broken things. And if we couldn’t love beyond broken things there wouldn’t be anything to love, because we are all broken. Which is the exact picture of Jesus love. When we love from a place of brokenness it’s not from a place of bitterness. The only way to love on earth is from a place of brokenness. C.S Lewis perfectly captures this concept “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." Our heart is meant to be broken, it’s in the brokenness where we can find more room to love. And the brokenness we can find Joy. If we burry our heart so deep that it can’t be broken it can’t ever be loved.

Ultimately, it was my expectation that I wasn’t meant to be broken. It was my expectation that buried me alive in my own thoughts. It was my expectation that brought me to a point of expected failure and hopelessness. It was my expectation I placed on people that let me down. And it was inevitably my expectation that brought me home. They say expectation is the root of all heartache and I believe we can diminish expectation with declaration. So I’m declaring this hard time to be a holy time. I'm declaring that this brokenness is a beautiful beginning.

-xoxo, Aspen